So your family's immune? Do you know that? How many of you can look into the crystal ball and know that your children will not be seduced by drugs when they are no longer under your roof? All families are different. Their methods of parenting are different. The degree to which parents get involved with the good times AND the bad times, plays a big role in how our children turn out.
Some parents are only involved with the child when something goes wrong, then the discipline, the yelling, the arguments all come in. When the child does something really worth noticing, worthy of praise, thier parents are too busy to be inturruped.
Some parents are only involve with their children when things go right. They reward their grades, reward their clean rooms, shower the children with needs, and desires. And when the child does something awful, when the child is arrogant, selfish, dishonest, mean, so long as the child is out of sight, the parents don't care. Becoming Gothic is not a sign that anything is wrong, it is only a phase that the child is going through. And when the child's behavior is forced by others upon the parents, their reaction is disbelief, blaming others, and reassuring themselves that they are good parents, and their child was and is being raised totally correct.
Some parents reward the good and punish the bad, and the child learns to respect, AND love his parents. The parent is involved in both aspects of the child. Involved parents stand the greatest chance of raising children emotionally strong enough to resist the temptations to do wrong. But even involved parents all too often are suddenly awaken to a child that has changed overnight. They were involved parents, but suddenly everything they taught the child that was wrong, has been adopted by the child as being okay. Some involved parents believe that love is measured by merely showing up, pulling out the wallet for good behavior, and enforcing restrictions for bad behavior. But mere rules and formulas are no substitute for quality time, often and without limits or conditions of time or convenience.
Contrast that with the parent who shows neither pleasure when the child succeeds, or displeasure when the child fails. The child is left on his or her own to get pleasure for himself, and all too often, pleasure in negative things is so easily rewarded by friends. Where are the parents for this child. By the time the parents must do something, the die is cast, and there is nothing they can do. This child was lost at age 2 or 3. The parents lived for themselves alone, and the child was sent off into another room, with his own television, music, posters and the like. This is a family in name only - but more resembles a dessert of unconnected, unconcerned individuals than a home. What chance does a child have in this environment?
Good and Bad behavior. To be involved or not. Different families. Different attitudes. Which are you? We like to believe that we are that family that is involved in all aspects of our childrens lives. But is any of these four immune from rebellion? Being involved alone is no guarantee of success. You cannot merely teacher reward and punishment, good behavior vs bad behavior. We need to teach our children to take responsibility for thier lives. Reward responsibility, initiative, work ethic and council them when they are irresponsible, afraid, or lazy. But what we say as parents, and what we do, as you know, are entirely two different things.
I am not talking about the examples we set. We all try, but we all fall short as being the perfect example for our children. I am talking about what we do to and with our children, as being the lessons they actually learn. Clearly we would be outraged if we learned that our childrens friends were giving them mood altering drugs, but many of us do this every morning. We even pack it in their lunch! "But," you say, "my child has A.D.D. and has to take these drugs." Is that so?
Imaging if the school gave your child birth control pills, what would you say to the school then? No, I'm not being ridiculous. I'm making a point. We all want what's best for our children, and until age 14 or 15, our kids know nothing, or should know nothing about sex. That may be true in your case, but what about that birth control pill. Yes, it's to prevent unwanted results, but wouldn't you simply rather your child not engage in risky behavior in the first place? We all want responsible children. We work for years teaching our children to become responsible for their own actions. But so many kids still engage in sex. And the parents of those kids? Their response is to say "we can't stop their behavior, the best we can do is protect them. They're going to do it anyway."
If you can't control a child's behavior, why even pretend at being a parent. Why not just through up your arms and let the kid get hurt, and learn everything on his or her own? We can, should, and DO have an influence on our child's behavior, and we need to teach our children to become responsible, and resist the temptations of sex.
Teaching a child to be responsible when it comes to sex, is something every parent should teach. The excuse that "They're going to do it anyway" doesn't set well with parents who are trying to be involved, responsible parents. But when it comes to other behaviors that we as parents don't like, it's okay to give our children drugs. We want their behavior altered when it comes to sex, but when it comes to cutting up in school, we are so quick to seek a solution with drugs, not in bringing their behavior to task. Then it becomes the responsibility of the drug to control our children, not themselves.
Now I am not stupid. I have kids. And I for one know that some kids are more scatterbrained than others, and some kids have a much shorter attention span than others. I am not running from the obvious. And I am not going to ignore the medical fact that there are drugs that can help a child with A.D.D. become more attentive, and the child that is more scatterbrained to become more sedate and quiet. Yes, drugs are wonderful things. My argument is with those who run to drugs as the only solution to the problem.
My wife and I both agreed that we would never give our newborn ritalin or like drugs. We would simply love that child, and love that child even more. As the child grew, she was brilliant, excelling in everthing. But her attention span didn't grow along with her talents. After our divorce, the first month after her remarriage, she got the doctor to prescribe ritalin for my daughter. I am responsible for my daughter's medical bills, but I have to this day refused to pay for ritalin. Does she need it? She needs something. But behavior altering drugs, no. She does not need that.
Now whenever my daughter fails to behave or complete an assignment, she has learned to blame it on the fact that she didn't take her pill. At school, when she misbehaves, her mother excuses it as she didn't take her pill. Instead of punishing bad behavior as we should, we back off, and blame it on the drugs. And the child is not stupid. My daughter is quick to blame anything negative on whether she has had her drugs or not. In the summer when I have her for a month, her behavior is wonderful, and there are no drugs. And no excuses. What gives?
Some day she will be at school and will have forgotten her pill. Someone on the playground will have a pill that is supposed to be, or may in fact be, ritalin. Another time, it may not. "Why is it okay to take behavior altering drugs from our parents and teachers who want the best for us, but not from our friends who also want the best." Hey, I know the difference, but does your child? All the child knows is that he needs, or thinks he needs, help and his friends are the only ones there to help. And if he or she fails the test because they didn't take the pill, they'll get a scolding when they get home. All for the sake of a pill.
Is there not some way to teach our kids that when they forget the pill, there are things they can do to be successful without the drugs. Are there not mental exercises, routines, little tricks we can teach our children to continue when the drug isn't there. Is it wrong to come down on a kid who fails and make it his own responsibility, not the drugs. Many people have handicaps. Successful people work within their handcaps to overcome its hold upon them. Yes, they have to worker much harder, much longer, and do things that the rest of us wouldn't have the patience to do, but to succeed, they have learned that they there is only one way. Stop whining, and get busy.
So what are you teaching your kids about drugs? "They are only used when your sick" or "They should be used to make your feel good." You can't control your behavior so we'll give you a drug so you can be safe, or "It is up to you to take charge of your own behavior". "You should never become drug dependant" or "Don't leave home without taking your pill first." "You can succeed without a crutch" or "You can't succeed unless you have your crutch." "Your don't need drugs, you need to be responsible" or "Here, friend, take these, they'll help you with your test."
When do you tell your child about drugs? When they've be caught taking some other child's prescription? Well, by then, it's too late. You've already taught your child about drugs, and what you say now has no bearing on the truth they've already learned from you. "Mind and Behavior altering drugs are a good thing, as long as the results are something my parents and teachers approve of." Is that what you want your child growing up with? It's not easy. Right now, our schools would rather have a drugged up but sedate student, rather than take the time to teach resonsibility. Our teachers are only equiped to pass out drugs, not tips on how to succedd without them. With that attitude, it should be no surprise, the end result. Is that what you want for your child?
It's not the ritalin, or the lack of it, that is the problem. It is our rush to praise the drug when things go right, instead of praising our children. It is our rush to blame the lack of the drug when things go wrong, instead of placing the responsibility on our children for their own behavior. So, who is ultimately responsible? The Teachers? Their day is frantic enough with 30 crazy kids all tugging at them. I should say that I can't blame them for wanting solutions. But the decisions related to sedating our children come from the top, and the teachers are just trying to manage.
I believe it is ourselves, the parents who are ultimately responible for our kids. When we encourage our childrent to take drugs when they are not sick, we're to blame. When the behavior that upsets us most is whether our child took a pill or not, we're to blame. When we praise a pill more than our kids, we're to blame. When we convey to our kids that they can't succeed without a pill, we're to blame. When we fail to teach our children to take responsibility for their own behavior, we're to blame.
Before we put this all to rest, I am aware that some children need ritalin and related medication for severe problems that can only be controlled by drugs. Hey, we could all use a good drug at times. But we can do better. For those children who simply cannot function, there is medical help. But for the convenience of a quieter classroom, we can and need to do better. Save the drugs for those who are sick and need them.
So you think you're an involved parent? Do you think that by being involved, your kids will be immune from the temptations of sex and drugs. Guess again. You may have already planted the seeds in your child's mind that, "as long as there is a drug to the rescue, you won't have to take responsibility for your own behavior." Is that good parenting? Is that the message you want to send to your children? Maybe it's time we really do get involved, instead of pretending to get involved. Maybe it's time to look at ways to overcome our national addition to ritalin. Maybe it's time to "just say no to drugs."